Most me me at one of two times. I wore black and hurt people or I wore orange and lived in a false neverland everything had in some fucked up way came to a great pinnacle. I wasn’t the kid no one knew in the back of class I didn’t sit in my room n watch Daria for hours a day. I had a name. A strong one. I had attention fame amongst friends love and most of all I was actually happy with who I was the second I finally had all but one piece of the puzzle I find her and it was complete. Then fate came and kicked over the table and all the pieces went spilling. Now I can’t find the fame the love the name even. I can’t even fond enough pieces to figure out who I am anymore. I wanted to live as pan now I’m hook stuck between the teeth of the crock half dead and mangled . I had dreams and plans. Places I wNted to see and now I’m on some one else’s sheduel for the next 17 years. My wants don’t matter but there still there killing me. I won’t be the life of the party again. Rooms won’t stop when I walk in. People no linger thinkrhwor friends just have to meet me. All the silliness is gone and it makes me sad people say I complain too much or that everything will be all right. Sure it seems that way if all you do is live off people’s good intentions and do nothing to better yourself you say I worry too much when’s the last time you had a job or responsibility. You have a kid? What do youdo to try and see them every day or do you just do it at convenience. And the ones who say it will all get better are blind they’re all ready happy and choose to be blind being happy means your content because you need nothing to change and with everyhonf you need all ready how canbyousay u understand what I’m feeling or going thru. I know my life as I wanted it is over. I don’t even get to die right anymore. I have been stripped of everything. I’m just a guy now coining what he’s supposed to do it doesn’t matter howich I love my daughter and how I’m trying this all to get us in a house where we can be a family together but I know I’m stuck for a long time before I seethat or her when I want to I know I prolly dont deserve it either . Everything gets better. You know what I notice about the ones who day that they all have nice homes and families and everything I want. My gf my mom my aunt my friends in Houston they all say it and they have everything. Everything that I miss out on everything for that I do everything for and want they have. They go home to a family on a clean safe home where there’s love. I’m stuck digging my way out of debt with one job and paying rent with the other in a house where I watch everyone else continuing to live the life I gave up to not be happy and blind but try and make things better as fast as possible and not waiting everythrigg out as long as fucking posssible before doing something about it. I want to not be someone who pays the bills I want to feel like I’m a dad and I haven’t since I’ve had my daughter. She’s supported more than I ever could by her mom n her moms family. I’m nit even needed really. Do you know how much that hurts I’m living miserably trying to help and it’s nit even needed or asked for 90 percent of the time. I wanna be in school and work one job. I wanna Taste my moms cooking once this year little lone every day. Id settle for hearing my dad yell at me just cause I’d get to hear his voice in person. Be a man be a dad forget who you were do what’s expected that’s all there is any more and I’m sick of it. I’m drinking again and that’s bad noone gets how bad that is and they don’t wanna cause they see me as too fun when I’m drunk I drink cause I sleep alone most the time and it fucks me up so I don’t wake up I have twelve hours to sit here and think about what I don’t have what I want n won’t get ect. I pace around the store n dwell on it. I check my balances and crunch numbers and look at property online. I work sleep repeat until I see them for a few hours maybe a whole night every few days but mostly just work and sleep. The one day off I get I might get to watch her but then she just gets picked up m leaves so it’s like you I’ve one day off now baby sit and when it’s to late to do anything or everyone’s already left you an go I’m not ready to be a bill payer but I am ready to be a dad. I feel lime it’s all just karma sometimes. This all started cause of two words trust me. And I did. I still do eventho nothing has worked out and unhappy as I am I’m not like before where I just go find something to make me happy I stand by my choices and still believe and love them maybe in the back of my head I see everything working out but by that time I’ll be old shell still be young I’ll be such a downer shell leave and I’ll just be alone in an efficency paying child support because I’m too misranlr to be around I wouldn’t blame her who would wantsomerhing this sad for a boyfriend who would want someone who’s failed so much as a father I was so happy being everything to everyone by doing nothing noe I’m doing everything I can as right as I can hoping I can fix it and the lives I’ve ruined n hurt I used to be happy and her neverland now I’m a pirate I don’t wanna for but I’m not happy being alive all it is anymore is wake up and fail or think about what your failing at now for me should have dine a better job killing myself in that closet I just want someone to fucking get it. It won’t be all right fir anyone and I wish everyone would hate and worry as. Much as me and try to do something about it great another long rant which should make it clear as day to a lot of you but will be skimmed over miss read and hurt people and for explaining why I’m hurt orm mad will be me apologizing at some point. Blogging and forums is all I I’ve anymore where I cam fish one useful thought iw ad the fro
Peope to try and do something productive
Fuck it you can’t understand this cause you can’t haven’t and don’t understand me I wouldn’t waste your time if someone could ever tell me the right thing just once.
Thanks the ones that made me this ways cause feel like this is what your stuck with till you leave me like the ones in the past always did. Family friends love it means nothing in the shadow of unhappiness Where I’m stuck living
I was a better person on drugs. I smiled and felt like I belonged. I won’t be a good dad. She has nothing to respect. She ha no reason to love me. I only complicated her life she had before her. I don’t deserve friends because I’m so caught up in what I want I don’t see what I’ve been given.
Just make it easy n forget me. None of you need me now that I’m not who I was anymore.
I’m sorry for touching your live and wasting your time.
